Body Image and Going to the Gym
I started going to the gym this year. While it has been rather sporadic due to pain flare ups and mental state, this is the longest I have kept and used a gym membership. That in itself is monumental. I’ve purchased gym memberships in the past and always ended up discouraged, giving up too soon. While I haven’t made the gym a habit yet, I intend to. It is proven that physical activity helps with managing fibromyalgia pain and it seems worth it to pursue it.
What has come with the gym though are some body issues that I never expected to experience to this extent. Throughout my life, body dysmorphia is not something I have really dealt with outside of a few small issues. However, since I started going to the gym, what was once minor has become huge and glaring.
I fell into the trap of comparing myself and my body to others. Another thing I had tried to avoid as much as humanly possible.
Being surrounded by so many thin people, lean people, muscular and healthier looking people, I have become hyper aware of my own body and have become profoundly uncomfortable with it. I am overweight, much of which is due to medications I am on, and after years of putting work in to become okay with my body and even love it most of the time, I feel like it’s all lost. I struggle with how my body looks and feels on a daily basis now. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror most days. I see my double chin, and loose neck skin. I see my belly. I see my clothes fitting poorly.
My eating habits aren’t particularly bad, nor are they perfect, but I do the best I can. I don’t overeat or eat emotionally like I used to. I do take supplements to make up for any deficiencies in my diet. Physical activities seem to be the only area where I could really improve things, and I’m doing that by going to the gym.
Recently, I went to the doctor for something unrelated, and was weighed by a clinic volunteer. In doing this I found out I have gained approximately 15 pounds. This event brought into focus my previous issues with a scale, which are far worse than I recalled. I have not kept one in my house for years, and have instead focused on how I’ve felt and how my clothes fit. Stepping on the scale and seeing a number brought those issues back to a head again as well. I’m not sure how I gained the weight because many if not all of my habits are unchanged. The best guess is my metabolism is slowing down. I am 37 after all.
At one point, I had not been to the gym in about 2 weeks, because I had to focus on getting my head straight again. After the doctor visit, I felt like I had to do a ton of mental gymnastics to get myself past the loss of motivation and loss of momentum as well as the discouragement.
I think I am in a better spot now, and am ready to tackle adding the gym and working out to the routine again. I have put in a lot of mental and emotional work over the past few weeks, let alone the past several months since I have had the gym membership. I am at a place where the idea of the gym is very neutral. I came to the conclusion that I am not enjoying working out, but it is a thing I will need to continue to do if I want to be healthy. If I don’t go to the gym, I will just gain weight and become weaker and likely feel worse than I already tend to. It’s just necessary at this point.
At this juncture, I have been to the gym the most times in a month that I ever have, and I intend to keep smashing those personal records. I am also doing some work around detaching my feelings about my body from the gym, focusing on the idea of getting stronger and including physical activity for a healthier, happier me regardless of what my body looks like or will look like. Having gotten over this hump, I think going to the gym will be easier now.