Challenges of the Past
Today I came across the invitation to my former air cadet squadron’s 60th Annual Ceremonial Review. It’s basically a big event where cadets can show/share what they have been working on throughout the year. Seeing it made me realize I have some very complicated feelings surrounding my air cadet experience.
Before I get into this, I think some background of the Royal Canadian Air Cadets is required. The organization began in 1941 and is a national program for youth aged 12 to 19. It is funded through the Department of National Defence and is administered by the Canadian Forces. It is also supported by a civilian organization called the Air Cadet League of Canada. There are currently 454 air cadet squadrons across Canada with over 26,000 cadets. Squadrons meet formally every week from September to June, and teach such topics as leadership and theory of flight. My squadron was 741 Elgin based in St. Thomas, Ontario. It started in 1963 as 741 Red Triangle, the name eventually changing to 741 Elgin.
My father was an air cadet with the same squadron as a teen, and based on what he told me, it was a highlight of his youth. I understood that joining myself was something that would make him happy and so at age 13, nervous and a little terrified, I attended my first night of cadets.
As it turned out, it wasn’t so bad and I stuck with it. Admittedly I had the opportunity to do some pretty cool stuff.
First, was experiencing flight in a glider, which is literally an aircraft without an engine. The glider is towed to altitude and releases to “glide” until it is time to land. I’d been flying in small aircraft already as a kid, but this was my first glider experience.
Next were the summer camps. Over the course of my air cadet career, I attended four camps. Two were at CFB Trenton, and the other two were elsewhere: Loyalist College, and Laurier University, respectively. Of those summer camps, two were especially prestigious. When I was 16, at my dad’s suggestion, I applied to attend the summer glider pilot training program. I was successful and attended the program in the summer of 2002. I came home with my glider pilot license at the end of that summer. There was only one logical step to take next: In 2003, I applied to attend the private pilot training program (called “Power” in cadet-speak) and was unsuccessful. I was, however, successful the following year. In 2004, at age 18, after 7 weeks in the Kitchener-Waterloo area I came home with my private pilot license. These two licenses were things my dad didn’t have the opportunity to achieve, so I think it made him happy to see me do it.
I ended my air cadet career in early 2005, at my 19th birthday. I “retired” as a Warrant Officer First Class, the highest achievable rank , and cadet squadron commander. It was a challenging and sometimes stressful six years, but I did it. There were moments where I wanted to walk away, and there were politics a plenty, but I met a lot of amazing people and I think that in itself made it worthwhile for me.
And here come some of the complicated feelings. After cadets, and being made out to be this incredible, talented person who achieved the best in everything (almost), I felt overwhelmingly average. It was difficult transitioning to being a regular young adult.
I wanted to keep my connection to cadets and intended to volunteer. I was made to feel unwelcome by the commanding officer at the time. I never went back to try to volunteer again after that. This fed into the feeling of being average too, which hurt, being the overachiever that I was. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t want their successful former cadet squadron commander to come back and volunteer!
After walking away that day, my last connection with the air cadet program was the local gliding center. The gliding center provided familiarization flights to cadets. I was a familiarization pilot there, taking cadets up in the air often for what was their first flight ever. I continued to do this most weekends until I was forced to choose between the job that helped me pay my way through school or the gliding center, which paid a negligible amount. It really left a bitter taste in my mouth. I was angry, and it hurt too.
I gave my all to this program and while I got a lot out of it, all it did in the end was gaslight and hurt me. I’m sure I am leaving a bunch of other details out, but this was the final outcome of more than eight years of my life. I received my discharge papers in 2008. I was so disappointed in the people that made me feel this way.
By this point, I was very turned off by anything involving or invoking air cadets, including flying. Maintaining my private pilot license was prohibitively expensive at the time, and I never did any gliding outside of cadets, so it was easy to let my licenses and medical lapse as I navigated through young adulthood including attending university, working almost full time, the loss of a very much loved family member, and my parents’ separation and eventual divorce.
Fast forward to 2023. I am invited to a group that discusses a reunion for past cadets to help commemorate the 60th anniversary of 741 Elgin squadron. I was skeptical and did not have an interest in attending any reunion until a close friend of mine who was also a cadet talked me into it and agreed to be my buddy while we were there. I went, and I survived, and it was nice to see the couple of people who showed up from my generation. What it did though was dredge up all of these old painful feelings that I thought I was past. Unfortunately, they feel as raw as they did back then. Burying it didn’t fix it. Not in the slightest.
Today, I know my worth and am a successful human in the ways that I think matter. I endeavour to be a good, genuine person and surround myself with people I love and who love me in return. I have no need nor use for my now-defunct pilot license. I survived a six year long abusive relationship and I wrote a book about it that I self-published. I have fun interests and I am currently writing my first novel! These are the things I needed to remind myself of when the invitation for and the actual reunion took place. It have been forced to face these complicated feelings and it’s for the best. I always come out a stronger and more resilient person when I work through feelings rather than bury them.
So, my old air cadet squadron’s 60th Annual Ceremonial Review is this Saturday. I think I’m gonna go…for the sake of the positive memories. I feel I may regret it if I don’t.